[Deviant Nation] Delirium's Journal

I've Been Reflowered

Delirium — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:17:38 GMT

Members Only Journal

Stolen

Delirium — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 18:53:18 GMT

take a picture of yourself right now.
don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair... just take a picture.
post that picture with NO editing.
post these instructions with your picture.

CANDY LAND!!!!!

I gots a concussion

Delirium — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 00:03:51 GMT

I got dropped on my head apparently during pointfest yesterday :P I vaguely remember it. I mostly remember seeing my ex and freaking out cause he said he wasn't coming though. :'( He ruined my concert.

But I got to see:
Sick Puppies (that's when I got my concussion)
Apocalyptica
Bullet For My Valentine

And then we left cause we realized that my boyfriends wrist was actually broken not sprained. :P
I drove most of the way home in two lanes cause my depth perception was totally fucked up. And when I got home apparently my boyfriend had to keep waking me up cause I stopped breathing several times in my sleep.
I'm going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow for some pain killers and to ask if there is anything else I can do.

So sorry

Delirium — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 14:56:42 GMT

I've done it again. i've lost another boyfriend to my inability to care. I cheated on him with my ex twice and with a guy I'd just met last night. I know I'm a whore and never deserved someone as sweet and amazing as Peter. I don't want forgiveness I just want to feel the remorse I know I should feel.

Just a thought...

Delirium — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 04:52:08 GMT

you tell someone you love them
and you really don't love them
but you want them to feel good
and feel like you feel the same
but in reality you're still in love
with this other guy
so you sleep with this other guy
and find out you don't really
have as strong of feelings for him
as you thought
so you pretend it never happened...
are you a bad person?

-delirium-

Vans Warped Tour

Delirium — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:35:42 GMT

I got a bunch of videos from it I uploaded to Facebook. I almost passed out during Paramore :( but I had sooooo much fun. I guess I'm just not used to this heat, cause no matter how much I drank I still felt faint.

I saw:
Norma Jean
As I Lay Dying
Jack Mannequin
Against Me!
Reel Big Fish
Paramore

My arm still hurts from recording that full Against Me! song. My thumb cramped up and the cramp went all down my arm... It really hurts. I also got dropped on my face! OMG the fucking hurt! That was when I was about to pass out and had to get outta there fast so Pete picked me up and threw me and they didn't catch me so I sorta just hit the ground really hard. So my ass, my neck, my head, my arm, and my leg hurt. I almost got dropped once and got caught my the arm and the opposite leg so that's why the hurt. I got dropped on my ass, and my face. I had several people land on me so that's why my neck hurts... But it was sooo worth it!!! I've never had so much fun in all my life! I've never been allowed to crowd surf before without getting kicked out.

So in conclusion, this was amazing and the chick from Paramore is quite short (about my height in other words)

fin

-shay-

Photo Shoot Last Night

Delirium — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 04:12:31 GMT

So I did a photo shoot last night of two of my friends for my photography class. It was so much fun! Afterward I gave my boyfriend a go with the camera and he came up with this :) I luffles it!

Jotting down my thoughs trying to keep up with my head and the chaos of my mind.

Delirium — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 18:58:06 GMT

What do you do
when you're in love with one guy
and falling head over heels for another guy?

I just want to curl up and pretend it all away
to my darling?
Shit it's eating me up and I can't let it go
Just gotta curl up and pretend I'm far away
I'm tired of crying over you both
But I'm scared of what will happen
What if I'm wrong
What if I'm right
Why can't this just be some sick dream?
Why don't we talk anymore
A couple minutes here and there
I feel like I'm losing you and I hate it
I can't do this
I can't do this
I'm tired of this
I wanna let go
But you want me to bleed a little more
You need to see this pain?
I'm bleeding here for you
one last time I'm here for you
Never gonna let go
God my mind is racing and I'm going on half a page...
Why won’t you talk to me anymore?
I miss you so
Screaming on the inside
Hardly holding it together
This rant is too long
I need this out of me
I want more than blood to pour tonight
More than pills to pour tonight
I don’t know?
That’s exactly what I mean
You don’t talk to me
One word answers where they will suffice
Ink me to death please
Just a little more pain and maybe I can be
One more shot of vodka, numb the pain
The wounds are all in my mind
I don’t want to feel anymore
A few more shots should numb this all
You’ll hate me for this and I don’t care
All I want is to see you one last time
Before I let go of you for good
So I’ve got some jealous boyfriend?
So I can’t see you now?
This is too much to handle at this level
I need more pills
And again with the I don’t know
This is the chaos of my mind…

What do you do?

Delirium — Sat, 17 May 2008 19:40:49 GMT

So. You're still madly in love with a guy and you find out that another girl has peaked his interest.
Here's what I did.
I drank far too much vodka and blacked out. This was two days ago now and I'm finally beginning to remember parts of that night. I fucked up pretty bad. While Jessie was holding me I kept saying that I hated Richard. While Richard was holding me I kept saying I loved him and he just kinda said "I know".
That's about all I remember so far and I really wish I hadn't drunk so much because he got mad at me cause I kept apologizing.
God. I really don't know what to do with myself. I've probably ruined any chance of getting him back. I really need to talk to him. I just don't know what to say though. Help me!

so i'm drunk as shit

Delirium — Fri, 16 May 2008 10:01:59 GMT

and here's why
the ex has found another girl that's spiked his interest. I still am madly in love with him and just can't take it. Every time they mentioned her name I wanted to cry, instead i drunk myself stupid. I remember reaching for his hand and he grabbed it... next thing i remember i was in the car throwing up. Apparently they need a car wash now. I feel pretty bad.
best part is. he's not even met her. so he doesn't know if he likes her or not. maybe i still have a chance. a hug saying thanks for taking care of me when i was drunk out of my mind and ask him to lunch.

School and the ex

Delirium — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:05:41 GMT

So. I only managed a D in my college algebra class... One letter grade higher than the first time. Maybe fourth times the charm? Apparently not third time though. So, despite my severe hatred for the class, I'll be taking it a fourth time over the summer with my photography class and possibly with my US History class. Not sure about two hard classes over the summer though.
I'm really bad with US History you see because I lived what is now almost half my life in Europe. Pretty much sucks having to take a US History class for me then. Hopefully I'll meet some half way decent people in there though and maybe some people who are good at it so they can help me study.

So I talked to the ex for the first time last night in a few days. He's a little upset, maybe a little ashamed I didn't do well on my math final. He expects more of me because he's crazy and thinks I'm smarter than I really am. But he's being really supportive of me lately. It's quite weird. We had this bizarre fight were I admitted a lot of lies I'd said to him since we broke up. I tend to say a lot of bull shit to make myself feel better about break ups. Stuff like, "I'd have cheated on you anyway." Yeah... I don't actually think I'd have cheated on him... strange considering I have that tendency.
But yeah. After I got all truthful and shit with him he's started to be a lot more supportive the rare chances we get to talk. But it's almost summer so we'll get to hang out again soon. Assuming my stomach ever stops being lame. I had too much dairy yesterday and that combined with stress and emotional turmoil leads to bad stomach problems, generally involving my face being in a trashcan for several hours.
The ex creates emotional turmoil though... Still love the bugger but... he creates so much stress.

yeah. that's that.

later.

New Hair!

Delirium — Sat, 10 May 2008 03:10:58 GMT

Though this picture does my hair no justice...

Yeah... that's the new orange hair. I'm gonna get a better picture at some point, but that's it for now. and yes. That is me in all my glory with no make up! OH MY GASH!

Wednesday

Delirium — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 04:00:45 GMT

I'm going to get my new tattoo on Wednesday! I'm all excited. One of my ex's is helping me pay for it because he didn't help pay for the other which I got while we were dating. So far he's the only one I can get to help pay for it. He's prolly gonna give me, like, $20. I wanted to see if any of my other friends would help me pay, but their all broke :( oh well. I'm getting my next check on Monday so that's another $250 to go towards the tattoo.
Looks like I'm not finishing the dragonfly because I've not heard back from Ian and I don't want anyone else to finish it.

I'm currently working on my speech for Tuesday and it's going brilliantly. I've got parts of it memorized and I'm slowly getting to memorize the whole thing. I'm gonna try to make the speech first so that I can't forget it, because the more you have memorized the better grade you'll get and I need a good grade because I want a good grade in this class.

-shay-

My ex's birthday

Delirium — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:06:40 GMT

So today is Richard's birthday! He turned 20, so old I know, lol. I decided to go to walmart and get him half a dozen roses, and I stuck them on his car with a note saying "Happy birthday! cause i think todays the right day..." It is the right day, someone caught me and he's all like, "what are you doing to his car?" and I told them I was leaving him his flowers. And the guy said something like "well it is his birthday, but him getting flowers is a little weird." I mean shit. I didn't know what to get him and I think he likes roses. I mean really. His screen name is Lithium Rose. And I'm pretty sure we had the conversation where I said I like bleeding hearts and he said he liked red roses... I don't remember if that was him though, but i'm pretty sure it was.

I can't wait for him to get off work and get in his car and be like, "wtf is on my wind screen?" and he'll see someone bought him roses and he'll start calling people and be like, "did you leave me roses?" and he'll finally call me and i'll be all happy and shit. He might not get off until like 1:00 though, so yeah. I gotta stay up until at least 1:30 in case he calls cause i don't wanna fall asleep and him wake me up cause then i'll be all tired and bitchy when he calls.

So here's the deal

Delirium — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 04:25:07 GMT

I'm still really in love with my ex and he knows this for a fact... I'm disgustingly attached to him and it's really starting to get me down. I've had three people in the last month tell me they are still in love with me, none of which were the person I wanted to hear this from.

Even if he did say he loved me though I'm not sure it would change anything. I'm so bitter right now it's hard to really believe in love. I know I'm not the only one with problems relationship-wise, but it's really getting to me seeing all these couples and all I get is the occasional sympathy cuddle or fuck.

I told him my stalker somehow managed to get into his thick skull that I was pregnant... which I'm not. I don't know. I told Richard this and he ended up saying if I were pregnant he'd help take care of the kid and I refused and he got mad and it was just overly weird. This was all theoretical bullshit anyway seeing as I prolly can't get pregnant anyway from those x-rays where they didn't cover me up... He at some point informed me that I wouldn't be a very good mother too. I already know this, but it sort of hurt actually hearing it from the only person who's opinion i really care about.

I don't know why I'm being so weird lately. I was okay until I went to see Richard today, now I'm sort of down. I hate these mood swings. I'm eventually going to have to admit to my parents and my psychiatrist I've come off my pills too which I'm really scared about. I'm also going to have to admit that I want to join the military which my parents may or may not like. I'm not joining the Army so I won't be shipped to Iraq or anything so they shouldn't be worried. I'm just joining the Air Force for the job security. I really need that right now because I can't stand not having money. My next tattoo will be on my ankle and thusly not visible so it shouldn't be a problem when I do get into the Air Force.

That's about it lately really...

I guess I'll update again later

-shay-

I thought it was sweet

Delirium — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 00:03:29 GMT

"when boredom surrounds this here and now, I can only think of the precious sound, that you made while you slept. I cannot remember the things that were said, on the night of last, while I was sleeping alone in my bed. you somehow were stuck in my sheets, and that allowed me to dream about you once again. Awake or asleep I am the one who is stuck, with thoughts of you in my head."

Ain't he so sweet :) I couldn't help but smile when he sent me this.

Friday

Delirium — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 23:14:46 GMT

I'm finally starting to work on moving in with my boyfriend. I'm quite excited about it to. I'm gonna have to get pictures of everything i've drawn on my walls though cause I can't exactly take them with me. And I'm gonna have loads of clothes to sell. I should have them up on e-bay soon, along with some video games (Sims 2 for Playstation and some other stuff). I've got lots to sell really. I really need the money cause I've not had a job in nearly a year now and I'm real low on cash.

I'm gonna put a link to my e-bay on here and myspace and vampirefreaks in hopes of selling some of my stuff faster. I really need to get rid of this stuff. I love my clothes and all but a lot of it I never want to be skinny enough to fit in again. I've worn that size for too long and I'm glad to be a size that I can actually find now. I did finally find some 1s a few months ago so obviously I got those.

I've got some Happy Bunny shirts I'll be selling though and some hippy stuff. I'm not 100% on what all I'm gonna sell but I'll have it all decided soon enough.

-delirium-

New Member

Delirium — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 01:32:38 GMT

Hi! I'm new here