[Deviant Nation] Electra's Journal

No Subject

Electra — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 20:34:49 GMT

ok, so not like i blog a whole lot on here anyways, but i won't be around for the next couple of months. i leave for Turkey tomorrow (sort of, i'll be in DC for two days, then i officially leave) but anywho... i'll be keeping a blog over at www.fromturkeywithlove.blogspot.com so you should probably bookmark that shit.
especially if your name is Sarah or Steve.

No Subject

Electra — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 22:25:09 GMT

there are bigger tragedies in life than spending all day monday on homework, right? and by all day, i mean that i've been working on homework since 11a and i still have like 3 hours worth left.
*sigh*

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Electra — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 02:06:23 GMT

it's not "one of those days" today. i like living at my own pace and getting up when i want to to fill my days with the activities of my choice. i won't see too many more days like this until the end of august, i would think, but that's ok. the preparations for leaving the country are exciting and the prospect of seeing something entirely new every day for 2.5 months is motivation to stay on track and do well in school. usually when there is this much stress in the air i freak out and shut down, but this is the exciting kind of stress. the kind where your nerves jangle with anticipation and not fear. A little less than two months until i go and it's all i can think about.

No Subject

Electra — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 08:02:45 GMT

Friends Only Journal

gobble, gobble

Electra — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 21:42:10 GMT

Guess who is going to Turkey this summer!

ME!!!!!
Yay!
The city that i will be living in is Izmir, and it's on the coast of the Aegean sea. It's beautiful.
See?

:(

Electra — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 23:28:59 GMT

I just did the one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. I had to call my friend of almost 3 years and tell her that i can't be friends with her anymore.
The thing is, she fucked my best friend's (of almost 10 years) boyfriend. She went over to his house, got drunk and stoned and hit on him. He was in the same state and didn't turn her down.
Now the huge problem is i work with both of them. Great. So i had to call her and tell her that we can't be friends. I'm shaking right now as i type this. I am proud of myself for having the nerve to call her and tell her (well, tell her voicemail since, surprise surprise, she didn't answer the phone.)
But tell her i did. I really hope that she (and he for that matter) will take this opportunity to examine their substance abuse issues. but i doubt it.
What really amazes me is the narcissism that these two displayed with their actions. This whole mess is so fucking selfish and awful. It really breaks my heart. I love this girl with all of heart and i am absolutely livid that they would do this to her.
livid.
oh yeah, and now she has to move out because they were roommates (my two friends). ugh
what a fucking mess.
what a goddamned shit fucking mess.

the shakes

Electra — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 09:24:13 GMT

i'm going to be taking booty shaking lessons.
from a super hot stripper.
she's coming to my house.
i'm totes stoked.

No Subject

Electra — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 21:02:19 GMT

the stoners were gone, but we'll know better than to let them stay for so long in the future.
i've been sick, i'm better now.
i should be writing scholarship essays.
gonna go do that...

No Subject

Electra — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 02:17:11 GMT

fuck dude. stoner house guests kinda make me uncomfortable.
as does the fact that i have homework to do and the boyfriend can't tear himself away from WOW to entertain them. he says their so stoned they don't need entertaining, but i feel weird about leaving them in front of the television.
i guess that's what stoners do for fun?

sigh

Electra — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 17:44:52 GMT

i am so uninspired. i don't even know what to write. these are the times that you just start writing and let go and wait to see what happens. i'm sad. i don't know why. i don't have reason to be, but i suppose that is the nature of my beast. i skipped school today because i felt sick pretty much all day yesterday and the night before. it makes me nervous when my boss says he want to talk to me about 'goals'. how's about we tidy up the bed room together, eh? and for that matter the office too. i'm messy. i know what but this isn't all my mess. oh the same old argument. i don't want to be home today. i don't. but i don't want to be at school. i don't want to be anywhere. fuck. fuck this shit. i am not going to sit around and be mopey all day. i'm going to tidy the house, work on some homework and try not to dwell on the things that needn't be dwelled on.
deal?

No Subject

Electra — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 07:46:03 GMT

my fucking babymaker hurts.

some days i think that the 'device' was a mistake.

woman, calm thyself...

Electra — Tue, 22 May 2007 23:26:17 GMT

*sigh*
okay. passive aggression pisses me off. like really a lot.
a little backstory. i'm head over heels in love. really, seriously, honestly in love.
I spend most of my time with him. We hang out with my friends, all of them like him,
everything is wonderful. This isn't about me and him, really. I have two housemates - M and S, they are my friends and i love them dearly. This is about them. More M than anything. A consequence of me not being home much is that she misses me. I get that. But she never calls to see if i want to hang out. If she calls and i'm over at adam's house, she assumes that i'm busy. That isn't always the case. But i think she just wants me to be home. A few weeks ago, we were hanging out at home and the passive aggression starts. We're talking about the possibility of me moving in with adam and how great our relationship is and she tells me that she likes to talk to people who are in healthy relationships for a long time about what makes their relationship healthy. She mentions communication and then she launches into this big long thing about spending time with people besides you partner and doing things without your partner and at the end she mentions the fact that i am hardly ever home.
?!
How dare she? If she wants to hang out, she should call me. It is a two way street. I'm really busy now, and i'm gonna need to actually make plans with her to hang out. I work, i go to school, and now i have a boyfriend. Busy. Then she gets a bee in her bonnet to clean the house. Great! It needs it. Now instead of trying to coordinate a time when i can be there (which i would have been more than willing to do) she just did it. And then when she did want me to come over and help she says this "I'm going to be cleaning today, so if you feel like coming over to help... that'd be really great" Now that was the week that i got my IUD. I don't know if any of you faithful readers have one, but it fucking hurts. I was pretty much bedridden for 4 days. Ladies, imagine the worst cramp you've ever had... Now imagine that pain for 4 days straight. Yep. That what it feels like. And that's completely normal. Owie. So that day was the 3rd day after the "insertion" if you will. So no, i didn't feel like coming over to help. I had been home for a few days 5 or 6 days prior, and there was no mention of a deep clean also- the kitchen was clean (that will be important later) i ate while i was home and did my dishes. i cleaned up after myself. So while she was cleaning, she put all my crap in a box and set it aside. It fit comfortably in a box the size of a banana box. There wasn't that much stuff in it. And i'll mention that i hadn't been home for the better part of 2 months. Yeah. So i came home yesterday after not having been home for 7 days and yes, the house is clean, but... there are 0 clean dishes. The kitchen is filthy. She didn't clean the kitchen. At all. The only part of the house where 90% of the mess was hers and she didn't do that. So i came home and went to make some food and i couldn't even eat off a plate because they were all dirty. I couldn't do laundry because there were clothes in the washer and dryer. GRRR. So today she has nothing to do and i suggest that she clean the kitchen "hey M, what are your plans today?" "nothing at all..." "Would you mind cleaning the kitchen today? I mean i know i'm not home much, but it'd be nice to be able to use it when i am home..." she says "sure, no problem" Then about 1/2 hr later, she asks what my plans are. I say the same thing she does, no plans. Then she asks if, since she cleaned the whole house, i would be willing to help with the kitchen.
again... ?!
NONE of that is mine! Like half the mess in the rest of the house was hers! At least half! I appreciate her efforts, but she did that on her own. She could have asked for help. I don't want to blow this out of proportion, but i'm pissed. The basement is covered in (mostly her) clothes and shit. The kitchen is full of (mostly her) dirty dishes. Why am i supposed to help with that when i didn't even know that she was cleaning the house, wasn't asked to help, and was out of commission from life when i was!?
BAH!
I am moving out in august and i am SO stoked about it.
This not coming out and saying shit is really bothering me and i'm going to talk to her abou tit while i'm helping her clean the kitchen. The one thing where i don't have a mess.
*glower*

Addendum:
yeah, so we just got done watching a movie, and now she's taking a nap.
Chances of the kitchen getting cleaned? Slim to none.
And in march she chose to go out and get wasted, she woke up late to school and came into my bedroom (door was closed) and took some of the money that S had given me for rent so that she could take a cab to school. WTF. We had a talk about that. She had thought i wouldn't mind.
Needless to say that i did.
She stinks as a housemate.
Stinks.

addendum deus.
Just to put that whole mess in perspective, i found out tonight that my cousin passed away last week.
I wish some one had called to tell me.

No Subject

Electra — Sat, 12 May 2007 07:42:57 GMT

there were flowers waiting for me when i came home today.
yellow lilies. they are beautiful.
the card simply said 'i miss you'
he's in nyc right now, and i miss him like crazy.
i wish he were here.

No Subject

Electra — Wed, 02 May 2007 23:29:06 GMT

Members Only Journal

wtf?

Electra — Sat, 14 Apr 2007 03:18:31 GMT

Anyone want to explain to me what the hell purpose a verbal adjective has?
i mean, really.
Couldn't the Romans have had verbs and adjectives always be two separate words?
Or at least have the 'participles' and 'gerunds' follow the same fucking rules as either verbs or adjectives, instaed of having their own damn rules.
wanna see somethin funny?
here are all of the forms of Amare (to love) that i know
Amo, amas, amat, amamus, amatis, amant,
amabo, amabis, amait, amabimus, amabitis, amabunt,
amabam, amabas, amabat, amabamus, amabatis, amabant,
amavi, amavisiti, amavit, amavimus, amavistis, amaverunt,
amaveram, amaveras, amaverat, amaveramus, amaveratis, amaverant,
amavero, amaverit, amaveris, amaverimus, amaveritis, amaverint,
amor, amaris, amatur, amamur, amamini, amantur,
amabar, amabaris, amabatur, amabamar, amabamini, amabantur,
amabor, amabitur, amabimur, amabimini, amabuntur,
amatus sum, amatus es, amatus est, amatus sumus, amatus estis, amatus sunt,
amatus ero, amatus eris, amatus erit, amatus erimus, amatus eritis, amatus erint,
amatus eram, amatus eras, amatus erat, amatus eramus, amatus eratis, amatus erant...
and i won't even get into the verbal adjectives. because you take the stem, in this case am-, and give it another ending and then you decline it like you would an adjective, which would add another 25 forms to that list.
sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision when i decided to take latin.
but i made the choice and i'm sticking to it.

No Subject

Electra — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 20:06:55 GMT

Friends Only Journal

No Subject

Electra — Fri, 06 Apr 2007 14:55:29 GMT

there are a few things in life that i loathe.
loathe
this is about one of them.
it's how people talk about the mentally ill.
i really can't stand it. i would prefer not to think that i am mentally ill, but i think in some very small way i totally am. before you get all like, 'what?!'. that's what people with clinical depression are. my 'mental health issues' euphemism downgrades the situation, but when it comes to it i am technically mentally ill. i take medication for my condition. it saves my life every goddamn day. i've seen/ heard people say, ad nauseum, blah blah blah 'happy pills' are bad, i don't want to be with someone who needs pills to make them happy, ____ kind of doctors don't know what they are doing and will just try to force you to take pills, etc. So my rant about psychiatric medicine and practice thereof is as follows.
Mental illness is a disease of the brain, follow? Something is wrong with the chemicals in my brain. They don't work right. My perception of everyday events, emotions... well pretty much everything is at least a little skewed. It isn't just the random insecurity that most people feel. When i feel it, i usually feel like i wish i were dead, or i should be dead, or wouldn't this be easier to deal with if i were dead, or at the very least- none of these people around me really even like me they wouldn't give a shit if i were dead. So you see it's a little bit more serious than your average 'i think those people are laughing at me' i think that too, and then it is followed by: no one really likes me, why should they, i'm unlovable and so on and so on, until i get to the part about being dead. I guess i should add that i used to do that. I don't anymore. You know why? Medication. yep. I'm still bitter, sarcastic, mean, cranky old Sarah, it's just that i don't feel like i should be dead. Now, here is the caveat. Not everyone who goes to see a psychiatrist/ therapist/ psychologist needs to be on medication. You can not trust every doctor that you stumble upon to fuck with your brain chemistry. You just can't. Psychiatry is a bizarre science in that no one really knows how to determine which neurotransmitters aren't working. The only way they can even make a guess is to ask questions and gauge your answers. Usually people with less than normal _____ neurotransmitter exhibit ____ kinds of behavior, shit like that. Unfortunately no one tells you that there is a good reason for you to be completely honest with these doctors, no one tells you that your treatment hinges on your complete honesty. I don't know why that is. So when you are a mental health patient, you have to be proactive. if you don't feel 'right' you have to call someone and tell them what is wrong. in detail. now i don't know why no one tells you how important this part is either. it seems like everyone has an 'i knew this person and they were on prozac and they totally freaked out and almost died! therefore prozac = the devil.' sort of story. but you really just have to communicate with your doctors and you can prevent that. i have my own story like that. it sucked. but had i been more open with my therapist and more vocal about how wretched i was feeling, i might not have that story. trouble is i didn't know. also, most doctor will only recommend that you start taking drugs. and if you don't like that advice (or your doctor), this is the important part, change doctors!
And back to ethics of anti-depressants... people who don't think i should be on them, who think i should take some herbal shit or exercise, people who tell me i shouldn't take those drugs because they aren't old enough for anyone to know what the long terms side effects are, i tell those people to go get fucked. i am at a point in my life where i can be happy for days at a time, i can have a meaningful relationship, i can connect with other people, i can make new friends, i can be me and not be afraid. I will not allow them to belittle my success. it took me all of my life to get to a point most people were at when they were 6 years younger than me. but i'm here. and i don't care what it took to get me here. even if i die in 30 years because of the drugs i'm on now, it'll be 32 more years than i would have lived with out them. See what i mean? I don't really care what they are doing to me, because i feel like i got a stay of execution.

No Subject

Electra — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 20:15:13 GMT

Friends Only Journal

No Subject

Electra — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 05:26:19 GMT

i don't know if there is a way for me to express all the happiness and joy that i am feeling these days.
The new boyfriend, Adam, has opened my eyes, made me see things that i never thought i'd see.
He cares about me so much and so genuinely, it can be overwhelming. But in a good way. I've never had a guy treat me the way he treats me. I've had guys be 'cool' before, but it never felt as genuine with them as it does with him....
I feel like a goddess, i feel wanted and loved, i feel beautiful, smart, funny... all the things you want to feel like when you're in a relationship

i want to say more, there is more to be said, i just don't know how to say it.

No Subject

Electra — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 21:57:03 GMT

a. my new boyfriend is the best thing since sliced bread.
somehow i managed to catch a winner.
b. any kind of breakfast hash is cool with me. this morning mine had bacon and cheddar. the paoched eggs have to be perfect, but when they are? mmmm
c.you know that job i mentioned a while back?
remember?
I GOT IT!

d. Everything's Comin' up Sarah!

No Subject

Electra — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 09:32:38 GMT

i don't know where this came from, i don't know how it happened, but someone just fell into my lap.
He is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me.
He is the nice guy i've been searching for.
I haven't known him for very long, but i can already tell that this is going to be good.
Really good.
I actually like him, I like talking to him., i like laughing with him, i like looking at him... and the kicker?
He feels the same way.
We just talked on the phone about what it is we're looking for in terms of relationships and he said some of the nicest things in the world about me. He said the things that you want people to think about you. I've been nothing but myself. Completely unguarded. I decided to try and let go of the fear that i have, and see what happened...
and you know what?
What happened is that i'm happy.
how's that for a kick in the pants?

No Subject

Electra — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 20:13:04 GMT

Alright fuckface. I wish I could say this to your face... but i can't. (Partially because i'm assuming that i'll never hear from you again, and partially because i will never be calling you again.) So i'm putting it here. I loathe people like you. Fake fucking people who deceive the people who care about them.

I mean, i know i was never your girlfriend but you treated me like one in the beginning, and a girl tends to forget her place. I never really expected anything from you. You took me back to your house and fucked me after i blacked out. Fine. I wanted it (i really did, it's okay). So you didn't have to ever call me or see me outside of work ever again. It was fine. But then you did call. You were supposed to move, so i wasn't concerned about the details, nor did i think to ask the people you work with what your story was. (mistake) And then you got your second DUI. That's really where things fell apart, isn't it? You stopped calling me, and it was okay. I knew my place, and got over it. But the you came around again. I should have to you to fuck off, but like the naive little girl i can be, i went back to fucking you. And it was fine. Things were mostly normal. I had noticed that you were drinking more, but i didn't think much of it. Nor did i think much of the bender you said you were on when you stopped calling. (yes, yes, naive, blah blah) So you went out of town to do some work for your uncle and while you were gone we exchanged a bunch of dirty text messages. I was dead exited for you to come over. You were supposed to be here at 10, you sent me a text saying it would be closer to 11, it was 1130. You were wasted. I think i can guess at how much it took to get you there, even if you don't remember. You left me waiting for the bottle. I should have made you leave, but i didn't. I had my reasons. They were not honorable. Then you went out of town again, you said you'd call me when you came home. You didn't. Sarah saw you at a show. You were trashed. I sent you a text message the next day to see if i'd get a response. i didn't think i would. Oh, but i did. A drunk dial. Thanks. And how dare you get mad at me for suggesting you you need to bring me my shirt back and not be drunk when you come over.

Bawb told me about the blow. Blow. At work. All things that i told you, i trusted you. You told me that you had quit. I should have known better when you told me that you were friends with Smiley, but... i didn't. I am impressed that you managed to hide such a raging addiction from me for almost three months though. It must have been hard. All the blow and booze does explain a few things about your oft mediocre sexin' skills, though. You seriously make me want to vomit. Your sister is right. You are a selfish asshole. Using your family the way you do. Worrying her half to death. I can see that she has a reason to want to know where you are, and to not let you take her young kids snowboarding w/o adult supervision. (see how i said adult there? yeah cause you aren't one.) They have tried to help you and they can't. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. To see you continue to use... They even offered to help get you out of town, to send you to Arizona to live out your dream, and you fucked that right up too. Now I'm not so surprised that they were so understanding and kind. They've probably been helping you out of shit like this for your entire life. ick. I can't believe the nice things i said about you. You turn 30 in two days. You have a court order to go to rehab. Do it, and stick with it this time. You have a problem. You can't use that shit to numb the pain of a tough childhood forever, and anyway at some point, that excuse begins to sound like a rationalization-- not a real reason. Kids use other things to avoid pain, adults deal with it.
Grow up.

No Subject

Electra — Sun, 25 Feb 2007 07:38:05 GMT

these are for steve.

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Electra — Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:56:57 GMT

i'm in love.
not with the gentleman caller.
with someone less available than him.
yep. less.
figures, doesn't it.
life isn't fair.

No Subject

Electra — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:28:40 GMT

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