[Deviant Nation] Krimsonnox's Journal

i wantded to not see that journal anymore

Krimsonnox — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:43:47 GMT

so i typed a novel a very heart felt, not entirely depresing or negative but emotive poingint important novel of an entry..and i lost it..and now im just too frustrated to start over

scared and sad

Krimsonnox — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 15:51:06 GMT

why am i so affected this way. my relationship with mom has beeen..quite teh story. even she in the past few yrs has finally admitted the abusive way she raised me and treated me. maybe thats why i feel free to feel what i do..im surprised by teh intensity though in myself. life is meant to end. she's older it isnt like the worst travesty taht at the age of 63 she is ying of cancer.but i am going through a wave emotions just the same and it kills me to hear her.she sounds so terrible and so sad. i wish i could be more matter of fact about it all. i want to aproach it it ways i know would be innapropriate. besides im not there i cant do anything. i wish i were.
today after 2 days of not being able to reach her she told me they are sending her home or to a nursing home. because theres nothing left they can do for her.im such a bad daughter it isnt the inevtability taht life will end that really scares me either. im crying for my mom but im terrified for myself. im a gutless worm.

champagne

Krimsonnox — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:18:17 GMT

last night the 6 dollar massive bottle of cheap champagne flowed as we celibrated our anniversary with takeout. we couldnt afford the takeout and im trying to find stuff to sell on craigslist but at least we had some enjoyable time. ..btw futurama Benders Game is the BEST

i was in tears watching teh history last night myself..but it is hard to be optimistic i have a healthy does of sceptic and pessimist

mother is in the hospiatl she cannot eat or drink on her own.

i dropped into horrible depression yeterday i was so glad when my hubby came home.

i heard from the Mistress ive been talking to online. she had stood me up again. wow im tired of being stood up by people. i told her next time to call..since i didnt hear from her till 3 days later.
she had something come up i get that but seriously.

im still depressed i woke up in a good moood but the hubby shatterd it by mentioning the account is lower than he'd calculated..something cleared that we forgot about. im gonna be evicted this month watch or soemthing i dunno something terrible will happen soon. probably my mom. im so scraed..i keep trying to be positive right now but i feel black in my soul.

what ive been up too

Krimsonnox — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 15:28:21 GMT

the nite before halloween i took sean to a lil party for the kids in the apts he had fun got to run around with other kids in costumegot some candy and a cupcake and his first apple cider. also tehy had thrown dry ice in the pool he was pretty entertained by the bubling water though the fog machines going off scared him.
the next night we took him to the mall for trick or treating. people dfooont trick or treat in our neighborhood i dont thinkwe drove around a few blocks and saw no kids no lights on saying we have candy. nothing.so ,mall it was and boy was that packed. i detest that this is teh new way of things it seems the neighborhood trick or treating is dying. he had fun he was dressed as handy manny. and the hubby wore a spam can hat. i was a gothed out vampire mommy :)

money is the root of all eveil. this ssi stuff..gahh. we have to drop off the papers today. im so scared of this stuff.

talked to my recently and i was bitching about something and she put me in my place with"iat least you'll live" god i felt like shit. oh well i am shit. so theres my life big woop wanna fight about it?

swimming visions

Krimsonnox — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 18:38:02 GMT

so got two get two goldfish in a fishbowl with a diamond at the bottem and shine on "etched " around the rim tattooed somewhere.....

my heads been drifting and flipping and doing acrobatic feats as well as slinking and dipping. im all colorful but mute.

but i did remember the right med this morning lol

so well get better, cept all the things in my mind EVERYWHERE my brain CAN go ...leads somewhere bad

im trying to keep the positive though.

seriously this is me trying. i cant do this though this stuff with the ssi i m breaking down..its breaking my brains im hitting the cloud wall,

occaionally i hit theese walls. it's why i once like lost the how to speak, and then i lost the how to (physcially) write, im regressing at the face of evil ssi people. i swear im gonna end up back in the hospital through this process, and everytime i call i get more unraveled.

i never got myself a costume:( i am sad for that

oh well

i have nothing to wear it to , i was ust gonna dress up with my son and go trick or treating but i guess i wont be THAT mom after all. bummer

im still so depressed..i cheered up yesterday a lil for awhiel with my sisters online, but then evil pokekd its head through again.

the kiddo cheers me up though god damn he is getting smart. im still frustrated over some things though with him i know im just not sure what im doing. really im probably screweing up potty training like no one ever has i dunno maybe not he is getting better about it it just seems like its such slow progress. he knows what to do and how to do it, and has like all of twice and just doesnt want to otherwise. you ask and he says no, i wanna be a little boy..and well im just stumped.those of you who took child pysch help me out on this one
his launguge is coming along amazingly though. he pops out some big ol words now and then taht make me go ooh and he is really very polite. in new orleans we got complimented a few times on how polite he behaved. though in public he can defintly get cranky and be that kid evrryone hears and sees..oh god he's loud.

on one good night ...my sexlife is potentially getting better, the frequency has been down due to varied circumstances ..stupid life...but the occasions have been dynamite :) i like some my new toys. and i have two left to use! not to mention the beau has suddnly found his domspace a touch...EEK

i havent heard from the MIstress in rl i was talking to. i need to message Her i dont wnat to kill taht growing thing..i really Like her. just MY life has been CRAZY lately and i just couldnt get togethor with her at all for the last 3 weeks

ok tata

crappy start off

Krimsonnox — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 13:35:57 GMT

my day is starting like crap. i feel sick AGAIN. and start olding clothes this morning to relaize one of my favorite shirts my green M&m shirt i got in vegas is ruined..why because my one of a kind katrina voodoo pin from new orleans was on it and i washed and dryed the god damn thing
im such a stupid idiot. im mad at myself because i KNEW i was gonna do that. i told myself, "dont do it, make sure you check your clothes make sure you track taht pin" and i did it and now there both trash!
and i know its stupid things but tehy meant alot to me.

ssi is chewing us a new asshole this process of apeal is designed to make you go crazy

and hoenstly in so depressed right now bout evrything. my MIstress in sl seems to be getting sicker and im worried She keeps blacking out.
Mom is out and out talking the will so no hideing that anymore.
and sean is on a stubbern streak tahts got me and jason literally tearing our hairs out.

i just want to scream

i jsut relized..omg..ok two days ago it was the evening and i dropped my morning meds on teh ground..and picked up teh bottle and cuz it was med time i took one...i took teh morning med at night!! well 3 dyas later now i just took my night meds in the am
and i cant afford theese fuckers to waist..what the fuck is wrong with me
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ive just overdosed on anti convulsants oh this might be a fun day!

No Subject

Krimsonnox — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 15:14:30 GMT

life is slowly returning to normal for me. im smokeing too many cigerettes still

im still a lil bemuddled and depressed. but we had a good weekend.
got the kid his haloween costume he saw the handy manny costume and had to have it. he brought it to the register and paid for it too. i was sp proud , he's so cute :)
has to be cute so i dont sell him on ebay when he drives me crazy huh lol

i got 2 new pairs of shoes taht dont fit right isnt that terrible.

i have to deal with teh ssi thing soon im still not where im feeling like dealing with stuf but c'est la vie. try to do that today. i have to do my hair for my own sanity. i want pretty hair

home..i supose

Krimsonnox — Sat, 11 Oct 2008 01:39:35 GMT

going HOME , it's hard to come..home..and think of it as such..lol

this week the word of the day evryda has been sureal..and i need a lawyer to read theese papers and tell me what they mean

i cant verbalize all the things right now taht ive processed this week, this vacation wasn't...i need a vacation from my vacation

i did get some nice things...such ass a katrrina voodoo house pin..it features an x,tarp and skull..it's wonderful..im such a jackass macarbe gal..but hey the artist who sold it too me in the french market is teh one who named it taht and he said it was one of his favorite piece so it aint just me. lol

there were too many tears though this week..family wise.

and friends played in big this week. the meaning of friendship and what it is to be there..

and my son i swear he grew on this trip

blah i'll prolly share more on this whole trip later. im so tired in more ways than one right now

i can't..i keep thinking about..when you see your parent as the child suddenly . i had heard this before. it's scary. anyway

::blows kisses::

and if i dont respond to all 76messages i had waiting when i logged in well..fuck it ;)

full of thinking today

Krimsonnox — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 18:55:04 GMT

i dont know why i tryed to stop it. im trying to jut clean. i keep stopping to organize and go through things

i found seans first pictures, the first ultrasound pics. and it really has me sad. they were so cool, not only cuz they were my first pics of him but he was doing devil horns in the womb! ..you cant tell that now, there ruined. so is the video. stupid Katrina. i dunno why im keeping blurry crap.

anyway the other thing i kept thinking about is my mom and going home. sun were leaving. im not ready, i mean the last couple days i was jazzed to be going to new orleans. then i talked to mom and came back to reality. today all the conflicting emotions...blah.

so the social security is after us again for 15k. we're so fighting this time. fuck this, especially with all this hit going on econimically right now, i wont be able to afford to live paying them back taht ! we needed it i was entitled, and now there trying to bill me for the checks they sent after i told them to stop sending them, i never cashed them. i gave them back . fuck taht too. gurr

i want a halloween costume. i want to be a pretty gothic dolly dammit! i want to enjoy my life a little and let my son enjoy his.

gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

No Subject

Krimsonnox — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 04:58:52 GMT

i got to meet the Mistress finally:) and gave Her a flyer for DN lol. it was great not very awkward at all.

oh i went and did alil spending the other day bought myself a ring gag :) and some treats for the hubby.

we'll be leaveing sunday to go to nola. im getting excited to go but antsy cuz i dunno how much of a chnace we'll actually have to do anyuthing. mom is in chemo.

im loving my new grill i got myself , im gonna try kabobs tommorrow

anyway i have nothing much to say really.

a lil disspointed

Krimsonnox — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 15:56:39 GMT

i just got stoodup. i had a breakfast date scehduled ith a Domme i've been talking to in email off CL , and she cancelled on me this morning. at least She admited she went out too late last night and over did it. so SHe wants to reschedule next week. fine evryone gets one screw up but im dissapointed i've been alll boned up about thi all week. oh well :(

I did get to go on a date with my hubby last night. handed out a DN flyer. had fun :) got free drinks at teh end of it. tried soemthing called a carrot cake martini vanilla vodka, baily's ,butterschnopps and hot damn...mmmmm

anyway
blahim trying to convince the hubby i NEED ihop

steppeing out of my closet

Krimsonnox — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 23:26:34 GMT

i've always thought i was "out" i am the kind of person taht if you ask i'll always respond truthfully..good thing the inlaws never ask. but it's only recently ive come to accept the term genderqueer and really i want to embrace that facet of my person more. i feel like it doesnt make me have to stick to a standard. i always thought i felt uncomfortable assuming i was like ftm's. i like skirts and i cannot lie. finding other people online like me has been a blessing. and i understand im not teh only one born with a pussy taht feels like they should have a dick but likes to be made to put on lipstick and a g-string and a frilly skirt. i can say hey man i have big balls, and wear a pink bow and ..i dunno this new confidence is growing but still, im alil shy about it. i want to step offline meet people like me in rl. but i have some people who still say ..do you need this label..isnt it just penis envy afterall. arnt you just a tomboy..well no im not a tomboy, have you seen me play sports..im so much more of a fag. my gender flexing really does seem to fit genderqueer. and yes the label is important to me. why i dunno. because we're human and we're logical and we like labels? i saw this thing on craigslist..calling all genderqueers. someone is doing a photo jouralistic piece on genderqueer and like an article..and well
should i respond..im so new to it..and i don't look like i feel..i hate my curves i hate my "i've had a baby body....yet...im proud of it too, im growing into it and accepting it's strength..while still seeing in my minds eye a very much more masculine me. should i contact them. im not in the "community" maybe this would be an in./ maybe they would like the perspective of a genderqueer tahts a momma, tahts out on the fringe of what might be thier own community looking in//what do ya'll think should i contact the photojournalist? should i throw my hat in teh ring. should i stop being scared of soemthing i really want to embrace? does it matter really ..or is the fact that i think and ask theese questions prove that it matters , cuz it matters to me? opinions?

this is just a small part of my thoughts right now. pertaining to the lifestyles i feel im excluding myself from, and desperatly want in on.

twisted giggles

Krimsonnox — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 14:04:01 GMT

A Sadist, Masochist, Necrophile, Pyromaniac, Homicidal Maniac, and a Zoophile are all sitting on a bench in an asylum and they're very bored.

The Zoophile stands up and screams "Lets have SEX with a cat!" then sits back down and looks at the others.

The Sadist stands up and yells "Let's torture a cat and THEN have sex with it!" then sits back down and looks at the others.

The Homicidal Maniac stands up and bellows "Let's torture, have sex with and KILL a cat!" then sits down and looks at the others.

The Necrophile stands up and yells "Let's torture, have sex with, kill and then HAVE SEX AGAIN with a DEAD cat!" then sits down and looks at the others.

The Pyromaniac stands up and shrieks "Lets Torture a cat, have sex with it, kill it, fuck it again and then BURN IT!"

They sit in silence a while longer. Then they're all looking at the Masochist, and one of them asks "Well, what are we gonna do?"

The Masochist turns to them, and simply says "Meow."

we were sick all day yesterday. pooey. i dunno why or how hubby and i both got ill. i need to do my hair now that i have the dye. anyone wanna come help me ?
need to schedule my tattoo work too..gurr im scared to schedule it's beeen so long and i never even went to show the guy i feel ba and so since ive felt bad ive stalled calling another 2 months
. wow i suck

hunches and bunches of stuff

Krimsonnox — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 23:09:04 GMT

first things first. today was pretty good. we spent our one vacation day..going to the innerspace caverns about 45 mins from here. we wanted to o something today with sean taht would be fun and seaworld is just so bloody exspensive...
well we did relaize at the start of the tour..gee this is a lil difficult with a 3 yr old that immediatly when we get down in teh cave goes "no mommy i wantto go home, let's get oiutta here!"and starts stomping around. i thought jason was gonna be mortified and gte flusterd when we were saved by teh other lil kid who was slightly older than sean SCREAMING o loud a bat flew by trying to run away. lol i thought the kid was gonna bring the cave down. that made us feel better at least lol. and ya know by and by sean enjoyed it, some parts he really got into some he started up with teh i wanna go home again. but it was agood lil day trip. i also got to pan for minerals,,which i've nhever done before. sean only found some floride but i got..dadadahdum FOOLS GOLD!!!! oh man i yipped like a fool lol. ;) hey i was excited anyway cuz..it was fun! sean did get plenty worn out, we had to carry him most of the way going back out of the cave. got several picks will see which to post later maybe, got some picks of the lil bats in there too sooo tiny second smallest in the world or something ic coulndt tell they were bats till we were told.
sean picked up some amythest he liked and i got it for him at the gift shop. maybe i'll make his first wand with it one day.

anyway as i said our one day of cvacation. due to Gustav we didnt go see my mom obviously, till today we were holding out thinking we might still be abkle to go but they wont have water and possibly power for possibly 2 weeks. she's safe and ok though evryone i know is, taht i know of. i got to see my uncle on tv, he looks so much like myy dad.

the storm stuff had us klinda..frieking slightly it was..gurr. and stuff.. to be honest theres all sorts of disscusions i dont want to have taht that brings to mind so whatever.

tommorroew mom should be heading home to ensure theres no wind damge and what not. i hope evryone i know really did get off with no issues. but i dunno really i havent talked to alot of people. my phones been getting *circuts are jammed* off and on. its a 504 number ya know

so hubby is going to work tommorrow.
oh bout that cave stuff. this cave does WIld cave eplorations. basiclly they give you a helmet with a light, kneeand elbow pads and a flashlight and let you explore deeper into the little side caves and whatnot. you get into teh crevices and dirty and such for like 5 hours..i want to do that!!!! i SO want to do that , i wouldnt want to by myself though so if anyone wants to spend 100 bucks with me one day exploring a cave..lol let me know i need a lersplunking buddy!

wanna get rid of the blahs

Krimsonnox — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 21:02:41 GMT

so i listened to Manson. and i gothed out for the first time in some time. :) i feel a lil better as i wait to go see this chic. hope she doesnt suck balls..or well she can suck balls as long as she helps me..possibly by finding and sucking my balls.

and after my second med kicked in i feel more centerd so . the parania and the loathing get intense when taht shit drops.

i love mens button down shirts

that is all

No Subject

Krimsonnox — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 19:25:01 GMT

Friends Only Journal

No Subject

Krimsonnox — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 23:39:05 GMT

gurr i hate finances. so my insurance will only cover half my meds and teh other half is about 386 bucks to fill..this is for one script...not teh other 2.

and they dont give samples. i duno what the fuck to do.

i might be able to get a voucher for 7 days worth...

we're preparing we're going to leave Monday to go nola to see mom. i have to arrange for my kitty to be looked after.

after wanting to do something with my hair for so long . it's actually looking kinda..nice. ..shaggy but nice. i want purple tips

things are so so .

im waiting right now i hope to go out with a friend :)

i've been messing about with new recipes and such again. thats awesome. they haven't all been successes
but thats ok.

No Subject

Krimsonnox — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 14:55:01 GMT

i did the director of your life quiz from chixors journal and i wanted to post teh results but im dumbish ...so here
http://www.helloquizzy.com/results/the-director-who-films-your-life-test/?fromCGI=1&var_action%252dromance=26&var_humor=32&var_complexity=86&var_budget=77

gee i hope that works at least

anywhoo not much to talk about , haveing trouble with finding a sitter, teh one we had lined up fell through. gurr and now im back on teh wait list for the outpateinet therapy. were going for the labourday week to my moms. hubby got his bonus but i wont be able to get ink with it i dont think. it wasnt that big cuz the company sucked ass ithis quarter.

going to see mom is gonna be..ykes.

sean is so cuddly i think he's still a lil afriad i'll leave again

i really do need to get out posting on CL trying to meet folks :)

im not doing great with my meds and journaling but im trying so..i can improve. it would help me overall.

blah thats all i have

return :)

Krimsonnox — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 01:05:17 GMT

hello all
i am back at home i just got home a few hours ago. i had a very positive erxperience. i rated it as an 8 lol. im kinda just settling in so it'll take awhile to catch up and respond to everyone. plus im going to be in intensive outpatient program for a month so i just wont be on so much as of yet. i have to make a few chnages. i learned some good skills and i will learn alot more in therapy. ..this was VERY exspensive though :( and a beging of the mother is proly the only way i can continue:( but i need it . i have to consider it an investment in myself, and my fmilys future well being.

anyhoo..

<3

vacation?

Krimsonnox — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:34:01 GMT

possibly i will be getting a vacation. when i say im going on a vacation..and it's obvious im not going anywhere with teh family. it means im checking in to a hospital. im not sure if i will or can yet. we cant afford me to go see a doctor yet. i woke up all cuddly this morning. had great morning sex. but as soon as sean woke up and i had to get up..i dunno soemthing always happens to me evryday lately. i just snap into ..isery. ithe cat accidently scratched me and i have no ratioonal i pick teh cat up by his trhoat and knock his skull into teh wall. ive never hurt animals before. im loosing it. i come down and see sean left out his playdo. i didnt see it last night it was behind his books and so its ruined..and i start bawling..like soemone just died. i mean choatic frenzied crying. i knock magnets off the fridge with my huge ass and i went wild! i need a break. i really am so frazzled. and i cry and cry and sleep and sleep. i'd say in honesty 84% of my day is either asleep or in tears. im trying to make an honest assesment too i don't think tahts very far off. of course im dry right now i have nothing to settle me down. i even ran out of teh vistril. im afraid im gonna relaly fly off the deep end and do soemthing aweful on impulse like i sometimes do when im like this. so hubby is asking about takling time off so i can go. that sucks.

he says fine if thats what i need. but.
it's not fair to him. and i juste remeber a few yrs ago. not that long ago it aseems to me. i remeber him saying i cant do this again when i last went in. dammit. i just want life to end./

gereral stuff

Krimsonnox — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:34:07 GMT

i swear im turning narceleptic. im always tired. and ive been sleeping ALOt, fallisng asleep at the desk and too weak to lift my arms..of course that might because my backs so jacked up now it hurts to raise my arms. man i need a new bed.
in other bright news im finally insured now i just have to find 5 doctors i believ>pysch for pills and a counsilor therapist person,general medicine, gyno and dentist..oh man i want to see a dentist my teeth have been huting SO bad. course..between copays and scripts i can't get taht at all done at once bugger.

apperantly the way the school does it here.sean has to be 4 by or before sept1 to enroll..well his birthday is in dec..so i guess he's staying hiome another yr. we cant afford another preschool. i feel like were fucking him on this. he needs kids to interact with. and i need an adult to interact with before i really loose my shit.

man my sinuses have been killer of late. i can can barely breath. lol i prolly have empaseema. i have to take a break going up and down the stairs. thats sad..really sad. lol

..my hubby..is starting to get kinky.....
he's been singing this alot...
careful what you wish for right ;)

Do I have to put my handcuffs on you mama,
do I have to keep you under lock and key?
Do I have to put my handcuffs on you mama?
Now we both know that's not how it should be!

Do I have to put my handcuffs on you mama?
You're a sweet, fine sexy woman and you're good to a man (?)
Cuz if I have to put my handcuffs on you mama,
I hope that you will understand!

If I have to keep you
barefoot and pregnant
To keep you here in my world.
Get down and take off your shoes
girl I'm gonna do to you
what it is! I got to do.

If we've been bonding(?) like you say that we do
I think you don't mind if I'd be possessive, now would you?
Your creature-locked lovin', you know it's the flame,
that's why I can ask you and not even feel ashamed.

Do I have to put my handcuffs on you mama?
Are you susceptable to flatter, and game? Lord we can ga-ame,
Do I have to put my handcuffs on you mama?
Will you submit to the human that calls your name?

Cuz if I have to put my handcuffs on you mama
Don't you know I know that that would be uncouth,
Do I have to put my handcuffs on you mama,
I don't mind! (?? ??) you're being a fool

I don't care if I'm looking like a chauvanistic kind of whatever
(some kind) Carl you can go to hell
And if I find out I need some help
I'm gonna pull on out my chastity belt
(what it is! I got to do)

reason #63 why im really just a gay man

Krimsonnox — Sat, 02 Aug 2008 17:03:26 GMT

i have a current thing with this song/vid <3

http://www.youtube.com/v/6qNud-RAT-M&hl=en&fs=1">http://www.youtube.com/v/6qNud-RAT-M&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344">

No Subject

Krimsonnox — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 02:28:35 GMT

Hard Limit
Isolation
it's what i live each day
we even try to ignore ourselves
feeling like a stranger again
inside
cut off
cut out
cut down